i can't believe i had my finger in that
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
