Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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