my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
