The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
