I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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