she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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