he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
