Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
