I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
