Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
