I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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