Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
