I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
