Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
