He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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