He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
