Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
