I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm passing your future prison.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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