he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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