i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
