I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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