Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
