Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
