brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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