i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
