you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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