Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
