so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
