Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
