there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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