i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
