I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
