Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
