dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
