just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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