I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
