we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
