Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
