Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
