If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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