Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
