i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
