Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
