apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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