tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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