So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
