either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
