Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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