I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
