I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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